Reflections on my journey through my son's substance use and mental illness

A Mom's Journey

Key reflections: Much of this may seem obvious but took me years to truly understand and accept.

·      My being happy does not make him worse.

·      There is no point in trying to influence his version of reality or truth when he is unstable or high. It’s trying to reason with someone who is completely unreasonable. It only enflames the situation and causes me further pain.

·      I can’t do the work for him.  It doesn’t matter how much I want his sobriety and stability; he has to want it.

·      As much as I don’t want him to suffer consequences of his behavior like hospitalizations, jail, losing friends, losing jobs, wasting money, being homeless…they may be a necessary part of his journey. I am doing him a disservice trying to save him from all negative consequences because I’m depriving him of the opportunity to learn.

·      There is no perfect decision in a moment of crisis. All you can do is breathe and do your best.

·      Mental health issues absolutely suck. They complicate everything, making it impossible to know which actions are the result of bad judgement and which are the result of instability. Blindly applying “tough love” can be unfair and cruel, depending on the situation. Some boundaries have to be flexible, others have to be set in stone, and the challenge is knowing which is which.

·      All parents have hopes and dreams for their children, and all parents need to adjust these as their children become adults. Parents of children with mental health and substance use disorders may need to adjust expectations radically, and I believe there is grief in this process. That’s ok…Grieve, move on, and be flexible.  “Peace begins when expectation ends.” (Sri Chinmoy)

·      One of the silver linings of this experience has been meeting people who are deeply kind and selfless. That has inspired me to be a kinder and less selfish person myself. When you encounter these people, show gratitude…and save their contact info!

·      Our country, our state, our cities are not well equipped to deal with mental health and substance use disorders. People suffering from these issues absolutely need an advocate when they are ready to get help.

o   Private insurance helps, but getting claims paid and medications approved can take hours of time over days or weeks, which is completely unreasonable to expect of the patient themself.

o   Police department have PERT (Psychiatric Emergency Response Teams) that can be requested if a loved one is unstable. However, there are only a certain number of these teams and they keep specific hours, so they are not always available. And you need to know to ask for them.

o   Court systems have “mental health diversion” programs that provide a legal pathway allowing individuals with mental health disorders to participate in treatment rather than face criminal charges and possible incarceration. Public defenders may be a better choice than a private attorney in many situations because of their familiarity with the system and the various options.

o   In many places in California, homeless shelters are NOT available. If there is any availability, it likely requires showing up at a certain location during regular Monday thru Friday business hours to see what might be available and where. This, of course, requires transportation and persistence.

·      Medications:

o   Psychiatrists can make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to question their decisions.

o   Medications can take 4-6 weeks to see effects and require patience, which is really tough in a time of crisis.

o   Some medications have long-acting injectable equivalents that can be a huge help with compliance.

·      Don’t spend the calm and hopeful times waiting for the next episode or relapse. Embrace these moments.